you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
