I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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