She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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