She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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