I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
