is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
