i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
