Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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