he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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