Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
