at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
