I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Found your dick twin last night
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
