It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
