Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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