I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
