the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
