Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I feel like death gave me a hand job
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
