I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
