I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
It's just like the Real World with babies
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize