sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
