So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize