I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize