Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
