Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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