Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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