Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
