So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
