I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize