i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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