Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
