Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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