Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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