We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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