I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
