I'm going to rape someone's good day.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
