Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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