I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
