forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
