i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
