i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
