We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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