soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
