all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
