I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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