i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
