WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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