Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
