***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize