how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize