that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
