I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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