my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
