just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
