I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
