well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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