they need to just BURY HIM!
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
