I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
