Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
