the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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