It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
