I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
