after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize