Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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